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What brain science says about long term LOVE

One of the greatest challenges of our time is to remain happily married for more than a decade. Dr Helen Fisher is an anthropologist who has studied the "brain in love" for many years. Her findings pair up nicely with those of couple therapists and psychologists specialised in long term relationships.


Her methodology used MRI scans to look at parts of the brain that were activated when people were "in love".

During decades Dr Fisher has been perfecting her studies and she has come up with a recipe for being happy in a long term relationship. I hope that these will be helpful for you at any stage of your life.

How to sustain feelings in the three brain systems involved with LOVE

  1. Sex drive: driven by one of the most primitive parts of the brain. Cannot be sustained for more than two years on its own, so you must schedule sex regularly with your long term partner in order to create feelings in this part of your brain. 
  2. Romantic love: do novel things together that could include but also go beyond sex. It can be taking a different route to a place you're going together or learning a new skill you both enjoy.
  3. Deep attachment: make sure you stay in touch by holding hands as you walk, cuddling and even just placing your foot gently on your partner's leg as you sit together. 

What is special in couples that have been happily married for decades

When looking at the brain scans of people who were happily married to the same person for decades, the studies detected activity in three brain regions that have to do with
  • Empathy: Dr Fisher recommends to say at least three nice things to your partner every day. It is good for health as it is for love.
  • Control of emotions: understanding of your own psyche will give you a higher chance of staying happily together long term with that special person.
  • Positive illusions: these people were able to overlook the annoying things in their partner and they focused on the things they liked. 
You can listen to Dr Fisher addressing most of these issues in this video. 



https://youtu.be/0YP4n9G0qtQ


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